Developing Responsibility

In today’s world there is a strong tendency to avoid responsibility, make excuses and blame everyone and everything for situations we don’t like or results we are not happy with: “It’s not my job.”  “It’s his fault.”  “If I only had more time.” “It’s because of the rain… wind … sun …”,  etc.  One part of cognitive therapy teaches individuals to think and say positive things about themselves. Through repetition of  positive thoughts read out loud, you can make effective changes in your behaviors and life.

I believe taking personal responsibility is related to mental health. In cognitive behavioral therapy, I teach clients to condemn the behavior but not the person. I also teach and practice the use of affirmations; sayings, thoughts or phrases that are repeated at regular intervals.

Here are some ideas adapted from an article written by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller:

- I am responsible for the thoughts I think.

- I am responsible for the feelings I feel.

- I am responsible for the choices I make.

- I am responsible for my actions.

- I am responsible for how I use my time.

- I am responsible for my relations with others.

- I am responsible for what I learn.

- I am responsible to accomplishing my goals.

- I am responsible for my values, morals and ethics.

- I am responsible for what I read and listen to.

- I am responsible for what I believe.

- I am responsible for what I say to others.

- I am responsible for my happiness.

Use these affirmations regularly and see what difference they make in your life.

Living and working in South Florida, many friends, colleagues and clients have gone through or are going through the stress of taking care of elderly parents. While this process is inherently stressful, adult children of the elderly often give themselves a problem about their problems, often in the form of guilt.

At the root of the caregiver’s problem is the often perfectionist notion that they should take care of the parent around the clock and are fully responsible for the parents well being. As a result, they don’t take enough time to manage their own lives and stress and feel guilty when they do. 

Recently, a therapist colleague reached out at a group meeting to share her personal struggles in this area. When someone suggested she take more time for herself and assured her that she was doing a fine job as a loving daughter and caretaker, she said , “Yes, I know that intellectually, but I don’t FEEL it”. 

I chimed in and posed the following; I would guess by that you mean that you occasionally during the day tell yourself that you need and have a right to take some time for yourself, but with far greater frequency you tell yourself that you really should be at her side and should not be taking the time away, that if something happened, it would be your fault, etc.” She readily agreed that is exactly what says to herself often during the day. 

She agreed to work on this and thanked me for my insight and suggestion. 

Adult children of elderly parents need to have a degree of “healthy selfishness” and take care of themselves so they may have the physical and emotional energy available for their parents.

That’s the title of a 90 minute movie I just saw which attempted to identify the factors in living life longer by interviewing some scientists as well as a dozen or so of the healthiest and oldest individuals on the planet. Longevity was defined not as only living longer but living longer with a reasonable degree of health and independence.

As a psychologist practicing in Boca Raton, Florida I have a number of elderly clients I work with as well as have opportunities to interact with a number “super seniors” who live, work and play in the community.

Suzanne Sommers believes that taking a regimen of hormones along with her continued involvement in fitness will allow her to age successfully into her 100’s.

Some research indicates that calorie restriction, that is eating around 1500 calories a day, is one of the important behaviors associated with longevity. A vegetarian diet, and movement, whether through direct exercise, hobbies or work had strong associations with longevity.

Jack La Lanne claimed he was exercising 2 hours a day and drinking fresh squeezed juices and vegetables into his 90’s.

A yoga based “laughter program” was advocated as a key to longevity bases on the idea that laughter creates more oxygen for the body and brain.

The mind needs to be exercised as well and there are centers opening with computer based game programs designed to strength mental faculties the same way lifting weights strengthens muscles.

From a psychological perspective generally, reducing stress by not worrying, nor sticking rigidly to time demands, having something you look forward to doing each day and not holding grudges were some of the behaviors and attitudes conveyed by those who had achieved longevity.

As a  psychologist who has worked with many individuals who want to lose weight, I can tell you that most of them could write their own books about diets. The problem is seldom, lack of knowledge about what to eat and what not to eat. The issue for most people is that a significant amount of their eating is “emotional”.  A good acronym I recently came across, is FLAB. Whenever you put food in your mouth ask yourself are you hungry or is it FLAB- frustration, loneliness, anger or boredom.

Once you determine if it is emotional eating and the particular emotion you are trying to satisfy by eating, work on develop healthier ways to deal with your feelings. Sometimes it may be changing your thoughts and attitudes, other times, you may need to change your behavior and still others, possibly changing the situation or circumstances. 

Attitude change is best learned through approaches like cognitive therapy and rational emotive behavior therapy. Changing your behaviors might include practicing slow, deep breathing to relieve stress. Changing the circumstance might include engaging in an activity like jogging.

For more tips and strategies, check-out my self-help guide, “Weight Management” has lots of things you can do to effectively, safely and naturally manage your weight AND your life. It is available at www.cognitivetherapy.cc.

“Striving for “perfection” is the greatest stopper there is…. It’s your excuse to yourself for not doing anything. Instead, strive for excellence, doing your best.”

This quote is not by a famous “psychologist” but the Oscar winning actor, Laurence Olivier.

Perfectionism is an illusion. Both achieving it and maintaining it even if you think you have it, just leads to anxiety, stress, depression and low self-worth. Perfectionists feel they are never good enough. It is like pouring water into a funnel. No matter how much you put in, it never stays full.

When you strive to do your best, you are focusing in on what you can control, appreciate your efforts and have goals you can work towards achieving. Your opportunities for improving and getting better increase and you feel good about your efforts and your progress towards your goals.

These are some of the ideas I explore with my clients in my Boca Raton office and through the many counseling clients I work with by phone and SKYPE.

As a cognitive therapist, I help people recognize and improve the way they think in order to feel and behave better. While understanding the past is useful in knowing how you learned to develop your thoughts and beliefs, changing them is often the key to both feeling and getting better and achieving success and excellence.

For articles, books and other “self-help” information visit, www.cognitivetherapy.cc

 As I write this blog, it’s one hour before I will be attending a funeral of an 18 year old girl who was killed in a car crash. I knew this sweet angel for many years and at one time, was very close to her and her family. I cannot imagine the grief, pain and suffering they are going through at this moment.

It reminds me of a saying I sometimes forget, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff- most of it is small stuff”. Having a tragedy like this hit so close to home provides a real “emotional perspective”. How many times do we depress ourselves or get overly anxious or upset by so many things in life that matter so little?

Catastrophic life events like this serve as a reminder to be grateful for what we have and appreciate our lives regardless of how tough things can sometimes be. We often react to life’s annoyances, inconveniences and difficulties “as if” they were major catastrophies. Reminding ourselves to keep our emotions in line with the seriousness of the situation will reduce a great deal of stress, anxiety and depression.

So, as you go about your day, cultivate an “attitude of gratitude” and “Don’t sweat the small stuff”.

Here are some practical suggestions for communicating effectively with others. They are mostly common sense, but the saying goes, “common sense is not all that common!”
 
1. Speak privately, behind closed doors. No one likes an audience to discuss personal or sensitive matters.
2. Respect space. Stand or sit no closer than 3-5 feet from the other person. We all like to have a safety or “buffer zone” around us.
3. Make eye contact. Look at the other person without glaring or staring.
4. Watch your voice. No yelling or loud talking. Otherwise, the other person may become defensive and shut down.
5. State your position or concern clearly and directly along with the result you are looking for.
6. Avoid  extremes of thinking or talking: “You always…, you never…”
7. Don’t “label” the other person: “He’s lazy, stupid, etc.”
8. Don’t tell others how THEY feel: “You are doing this because you are upset with me.”
9. If you find yourself getting upset, breath slowly and deeply, lower your voice, slow down you rate of speech, step back.
10. Seek to understand where the other person is coming from and what their view is.
11. Thank the other person for listening and sharing.
12. Sometimes it is best just agree to disagree.
13. You can disagree without being disagreeable.
 
For more ideas of INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS, check out other blogs and articles by Dr.Robert Heller at www.cognitivetherapy.cc

What does your body language say about you? How do facial expressions and gestures affect others around you? 

Research suggests that more of what we communicate happens through out body rather than our words. At a recent presentation I gave on “Mental Skills for Tennis”, participants shared how their partner’s body language affected them: an anguished look, dropped head, lack of eye contact and related behaviors is often interpreted as disappointment, disapproval and rejection. 

Often times, we are not even aware of our non-verbal behaviors. As a psychologist, I help my clients recognize how their body reflects their thoughts and feelings and how to change their responses to stress. Developing awareness and control over our non-verbal behaviors can help individuals get along better whether it is on the tennis court or in relationships at work or in ones personal life. 

An important part of this process is based on cognitive therapy which helps individuals see the connection between their thoughts and feelings. They are then shown alternative ways to view the situation and practice responding in new ways to the old triggers. 

I detail these strategies in a number of self-help books I wrote including, “Manage Your Stress” and “Anger Management”, which are available on my website, www.cognitivetherapy.cc

“People are disturbed not by things but by the view they take of them”. This famous quote by the ancient Greek philosopher, Epictetus is the foundation of one of the most powerful and influential approaches to mental health of our time, “ Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy”. This approach, developed by psychologist, Dr.Albert Ellis has transformed the field of psychotherapy and helped millions of people overcome negative emotions and in many cases, saved their lives.

I had the good fortune to study with Dr.Ellis and some of the finest teachers in the world at his institute more than 30 years ago. Since that time, I have used the principles of practices of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) to improve the lives of hundreds of clients and have hopefully positively influenced others through my self-help guidebooks (www.cognitivetherapy.cc) and lectures to the public and professional audiences. 

Often times, individuals who have been suffering for years and have tried all sorts of medications and different therapies have found REBT and related cognitive behavioral therapy to make a huge difference in how they think, feel and behave. 

Although my principle office is in Boca Raton, Florida I have found that distance coaching through the telephone and video (skype) has helped me reach individuals that do not have an REBT or CBT therapist nearby. 

For more information on REBT visit www.albertellis.org

Test anxiety is a sub set of “performance anxiety”, and can be defined as an “ excessive and/or exaggerated worry over taking a test or fears about its consequences.” Many “good students” who perform well in class, study and prepare for the test often don’t perform up to what might otherwise be expected . The problem usually increases in direct correlation to the perceived importance of the exam. For some, even taking test preparation classes which focus on learning tricks to understand the questions, manage their time better and practice taking sample tests may not make a substantial difference. As a psychologist with a private practice in Boca Raton, Florida and as a former school psychologist, I have worked with many individuals for whom test preparation and skills building did not help performance because the critical element of their anxiety was not adequately addressed. Once anxiety is triggered, it interferes with memory, concentration and decision making. Mistakes increases, time management goes out the door and the individual starts rushing or second guessing their responses. The triggers of the tension are almost always harmful attitudes that lead to negative thinking and physical tightness. Common harmful ideas commonly held consciously or unconsciously by test anxious individuals include beliefs like: “ If I don’t do well, I will never get a good job or career” “People will think less of me”, “I couldn’t stand disappointing my parents”, “A poor score proves how inadequate I am”, “I can’t stand the discomfort the anxiety around taking tests.”

Learning how to identify and replace these and related unhealthy beliefs with healthier and more useful ones is one of the main contributions I provide as a cognitive therapist. I also teach behavioral methods such as deep breathing to help manage and reduce the physical symptoms of anxiety such as blushing, hyperventilating and headaches.

For more information on this topic, go to www.cognitivetherapy.cc or email info@robertheller.net.