Developing Responsibility

In today’s world there is a strong tendency to avoid responsibility, make excuses and blame everyone and everything for situations we don’t like or results we are not happy with: “It’s not my job.”  “It’s his fault.”  “If I only had more time.” “It’s because of the rain… wind … sun …”,  etc.  One part of cognitive therapy teaches individuals to think and say positive things about themselves. Through repetition of  positive thoughts read out loud, you can make effective changes in your behaviors and life.

I believe taking personal responsibility is related to mental health. In cognitive behavioral therapy, I teach clients to condemn the behavior but not the person. I also teach and practice the use of affirmations; sayings, thoughts or phrases that are repeated at regular intervals.

Here are some ideas adapted from an article written by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller:

- I am responsible for the thoughts I think.

- I am responsible for the feelings I feel.

- I am responsible for the choices I make.

- I am responsible for my actions.

- I am responsible for how I use my time.

- I am responsible for my relations with others.

- I am responsible for what I learn.

- I am responsible to accomplishing my goals.

- I am responsible for my values, morals and ethics.

- I am responsible for what I read and listen to.

- I am responsible for what I believe.

- I am responsible for what I say to others.

- I am responsible for my happiness.

Use these affirmations regularly and see what difference they make in your life.

What does your non-verbal say about you? How do facial expressions and gestures affect others around you?

Research suggests that more of what we communicate happens through out body rather than our words. At a recent presentation I gave on “Mental Skills for Tennis”, participants shared how their partner’s body language affected them: an anguished look, dropped head, lack of eye contact and related behaviors is often interpreted as disappointment, disapproval and rejection. Walking with your head high and shoulders back conveys confidence, while a droopy head, hunched shoulders and shuffling your feet conveys defeat. Avoid giving your opponent extra confidence by minding your non-verbal behaviors after points and on changeovers.

Often times, we are not even aware of our non-verbal behaviors. As a psychologist, I help my clients recognize how their body reflects their thoughts and feelings and how to change their responses to stress. Developing awareness and control over our non-verbal behaviors can help individuals get along better whether it is on the tennis court or in relationships at work or in ones personal life.

Of ten time our non-verbal behavior stems from our thoughts and beliefs. An important part of this process is based on cognitive therapy which helps individuals see the connection between their thoughts and feelings. They are then shown alternative ways to view the situation and practice responding in new ways to the old triggers.

I detail these strategies in a number of self-help books I wrote including, “Manage Your Stress” and “Anger Management”, which are available on my website, www.cognitivetherapy.cc

Cognitive Therapy, or CBT is an approach taught and practiced by an increasing number  of mental health professionals because of its emprical base, practical appeal and clinical effectiveness. A variantof CBT is Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy or REBT. While CBT was developed by psychiatrist, Dr. Aaron Beck and REBT was developed by psychologist, Dr. Albert Ellis, both approaches place a strong emphasis of the importance of how CURRENT thoughts, attitudes and beliefs impact current feelings and behaviors. The two most popular self-help books on the subject are probably “A New Guide  to Rational Living” by Ellis and Harper and “Feeling Good: the New Mood Therapy”, by David Burns.

I was fortunate to have been personally trained by Dr. Albert Ellis at the Albert Ellis Institute in New York. Over the past 30 years, I have incorporated both REBT and CBT into my private practice and had much success in helping many clients who have had both serious and complex problems. Once you learn this emotional problem solving approach you can use it to reduce and overcome negative emotions such as excessive fear, worry, anxiety, anger, guilt and depression. REBT and CBT have also been effecitvely use with addictions, PTSD and a wide range of mental and emotional disorders.

I learned last week that Dr. Gerry Elmore, a caring, compassionate and skilled chiropractor I had gone to a number of times over the years had lost his battle with cancer after suffering for two years. In his 50’s with a wife and children, he left us far too soon.

One of the things we learn and teach in cognitive therapy is emotional perspective. His passing reminds me of the frequent times I allow myself to be bothered and upset by things that really don’t matter very much.  I remind myself to appreciate what I have and enjoy the moments on earth I have been given. Behavior therapy teaches us to not only think but act. I head to the beach to watch to sunrise and stroll along the sand reflecting on the loss of this kind man and recommitting to the idea of counting my blessings. 

Grieving is a normal and healthy part of dealing with loss. Celebrating a life well lived is another healthy way to handle the loss of a love one.  But appropriate sadness doesn’t have to lead to clinical depression. I find myself reviewing my own guidebook , “Depression,” by Dr.Robert Heller. I remind myself that “life is not fair” and that “bad things happen to good people”. I commit to writing his wife, avoid “sweating the small stuff” and taking more time to spend with friends and experience joy and create positive memories.

Self-help books have been growing increasingly popular over the past 50 years. One of the earliest and best of the bunch continues to be  Albert Ellis’s, “A New Guide to Rational-Emotive Therapy”.  As a practicing cognitive-behavioral therapist, I have recommended this book to clients for years. It clearly explains and demonstrates the application of Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) to reducing anger, depression and anxiety. Inspired by the power and usefulness of self-help books, particular of a cognitive-behavioral nature, I developed my own series targeting specific areas like anger, stress, depression and worry. I called it the “pocket therapist” series. The books are compact and designed to be carried in a pocket or purse so that they can be read  and referred to easily and often. The self-help guides on Alcohol and Depression have been included in the bookstore of the Albert Ellis Institute and a related series geared for the military and their families is used by the armed services.

With the trend moving rapidly towards “apps”, I have no doubt that more and more self-help materials will be obtained through electronic devices of all sorts and self-help education through traditional books will continue to decline. However, I believe that self-help books will continue to be read and of value to a smaller market of those who prefer to learn visually rather than auditoraly.

A long time friend of mine is doing a good job at beating brain cancer and writing about his experience. In addition to traditional treatment, he has identified seven key to be especially important. Of the 7, two are very clearly self-help skills commonly taught in cognitive-behavioral therapy and considered core mind-body tools.

1. Eliminate the use of cell phones. Get phones with the lowest radiation and only use them on speaker or with an attachment. In short, keep the phone far from your ear ( and brain).
2. Reduce stress. Use the ABC’s of Emotion as developed by the pioneer of Rational-Emotive Behavioral therapy, Dr. Albert Ellis to help you look at every situation in the best possible light.
3. Exercise daily.
4. Eliminate sugar.
5. Develop and maintain your social connections.
6. Use an infrared sauna daily.
7. Practice visualization such as picturing the tumor shrinking. 

The mind-body connection is very strong and many of these suggestions probably make a great deal of sense  to almost anyone. Cognitive therapists can provide education, instruction and training in a number  of these methods.

Happiness and Well-being

According to the recent PBS Special, “The Emotional Life”, the key to happiness and well-being are good relationships with family, friends and lover(s). Relationships seemed to trump, work, money and health. I found the portion on “attachment” or bonding to parents very interesting. Infants brought up in institutions without much “physical touch” seemed to have lots of problems in adjusting early on in life and this continued into adolescence and adulthood.

The good news was that intervention in the form of counseling and therapy was mostly helpful to people in improving their relationships, behavior and adjustment to a wide range of problems and challenges.

In my own clinical practice, I have found methods like EMDR, hypnosis and cognitive-behavioral therapy useful in overcoming long standing problems encountered early on in life.

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I have been using hypnosis with my clients for many years. More recently, I have used it with some of the elite junior tennis clients I work with and have been very pleased with how well they have responded and how quickly the suggestions have transferred to their match play. (more…)

One day after catapulting from obscurity to international fame as the giant killer of the top women tennis players in the world at the US Open, young 17 year old Melodie Oudin has a bombshell dropped on her: her father is divorcing her mother for sleeping with Melody’s long time coach! (more…)