Dr. Robert Heller

Living and working in South Florida, many friends, colleagues and clients have gone through or are going through the stress of taking care of elderly parents. While this process is inherently stressful, adult children of the elderly often give themselves a problem about their problems, often in the form of guilt.

At the root of the caregiver’s problem is the often perfectionist notion that they should take care of the parent around the clock and are fully responsible for the parents well being. As a result, they don’t take enough time to manage their own lives and stress and feel guilty when they do. 

Recently, a therapist colleague reached out at a group meeting to share her personal struggles in this area. When someone suggested she take more time for herself and assured her that she was doing a fine job as a loving daughter and caretaker, she said , “Yes, I know that intellectually, but I don’t FEEL it”. 

I chimed in and posed the following; I would guess by that you mean that you occasionally during the day tell yourself that you need and have a right to take some time for yourself, but with far greater frequency you tell yourself that you really should be at her side and should not be taking the time away, that if something happened, it would be your fault, etc.” She readily agreed that is exactly what says to herself often during the day. 

She agreed to work on this and thanked me for my insight and suggestion. 

Adult children of elderly parents need to have a degree of “healthy selfishness” and take care of themselves so they may have the physical and emotional energy available for their parents.

That’s the title of a 90 minute movie I just saw which attempted to identify the factors in living life longer by interviewing some scientists as well as a dozen or so of the healthiest and oldest individuals on the planet. Longevity was defined not as only living longer but living longer with a reasonable degree of health and independence.

As a psychologist practicing in Boca Raton, Florida I have a number of elderly clients I work with as well as have opportunities to interact with a number “super seniors” who live, work and play in the community.

Suzanne Sommers believes that taking a regimen of hormones along with her continued involvement in fitness will allow her to age successfully into her 100’s.

Some research indicates that calorie restriction, that is eating around 1500 calories a day, is one of the important behaviors associated with longevity. A vegetarian diet, and movement, whether through direct exercise, hobbies or work had strong associations with longevity.

Jack La Lanne claimed he was exercising 2 hours a day and drinking fresh squeezed juices and vegetables into his 90’s.

A yoga based “laughter program” was advocated as a key to longevity bases on the idea that laughter creates more oxygen for the body and brain.

The mind needs to be exercised as well and there are centers opening with computer based game programs designed to strength mental faculties the same way lifting weights strengthens muscles.

From a psychological perspective generally, reducing stress by not worrying, nor sticking rigidly to time demands, having something you look forward to doing each day and not holding grudges were some of the behaviors and attitudes conveyed by those who had achieved longevity.